Oxytocin and Hyper-Sexuality

New discoveries about myself all the time.

I’m wrong about myself all the time, it turns out. And getting to my chemicals is no easy task, especially since I’m not a scientist and I don’t know the research. I do think I’m good at deducing what is ultimately wrong with my chemicals but labeling them can get tricky.

All of that is to cover my incompetence in saying that I may not actually be the Creative or Normalizing subtypes most of the time after all but I may be Harmonizing. Being a Harmonizing INTP feels a little like a paradox but it makes sense to me as I feel most valuable with one-to-one connection and my whole life can be traced through relationships as a major theme.

One of the reasons I’m convinced of this is that I came across a study about Oxytocin in men that revealed that men who have hyper-sexual addiction are high in Oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is the cuddle hormone and you could even say it’s the loyalty hormone. It’s what creates the association between sexual pleasure and the person or object of your affection. I say object because I do suspect many men fall in love with their devices and the women on Instagram.

I suspect that if these men are also dealing with a wonky relationship to pleasure and using pleasure to calm themselves down from anxiety, which has been the case with me, then they’re creating an association with pleasure as a calming mechanism separate from their partner and physical touch. Physical touch is another way to get and regulate Oxytocin in the system.

The men in the study who went to cognitive behavior therapy ended up reducing their levels of Oxytocin and subsequently calmed their hyper-sexuality. It’s possible that there’s a social anxiety that calmed once they were able to communicate their internal world outward to someone or a group. Social anxiety has links to Oxytocin as well when stressed triggering trust concerns. I suspect that’s why I write so much and have had a podcast talking about my inner experience for so long to compensate for the relating I wasn’t doing. Relating is an important part of getting to know the inner feminine for men, otherwise known as the anima or window into the shadow. And probably why when I went through CBT I realized my life was all wrong and I wasn’t getting what I needed many years ago.

I suspect a couple of things that relate to my story. One is not being touched enough or having been touched enough as a kid. I don’t remember being hugged or cuddled by my parents. I’m sure it happened but I have no core memories of it. And in relationships, I never felt like my partners ever wanted to touch me casually or felt connected to me through touch unless it was sexual. That changed with Molly as she’s more physically affectionate but I realize that it’s obvious to me when we don’t. Not even in a sexual way just casual hugs and hand-holding. Stuff like that.

Obviously, this also is a major story node in my relationship with women all throughout my life, which I just wrote a whole lot about in my book. Much of this is majorly built on the back of major insecurity and unworthiness of the affection of women and feeling the need to manipulate. I talked about my own hyper-sexuality, cheating, and all that stuff.

Potentially being a Harmonizing INTP highlights my sensitivity and how I’ve always been okay with not being certain, changing my mind, and being very flexible. I’m often stressed when there are rigid timelines or needs. Lately, in particular, I’ve felt most valuable when coaching or advising someone one-on-one. Usually, that happens in the moment and it feels like I’m channeling all of my energy into listening for inconsistencies, thinking of questions to ask, and guiding someone through their own thought process. I have all of these mental models and personal experiences to pull from, so I think I’m damn good at it. I just wouldn’t know how to market what I do or what to call it. I just haven’t harnessed it into a career and I think this may be key to this career transcendence period I’m in where I’m needing to let go of the past and take a chance into the future.

On the latest Personality Hacker episodes, which I’m editing for them, they mention that Harmonizing subtypes would benefit most from having an advocate for them, and funny enough, I’ve always wanted an agent. I’m not great at selling myself on a consistent basis. That desire was a designer but I may be looking into what the next version of me as a coach or advisor looks like. The other dream is to be someone who is invited to an event and is a floating coach to support students as they process material related to growth or mental models I’m familiar with such as personality systems like Myers-Briggs or The Enneagram. That would be pretty dope.

It’s overall a more holistic, diffuse, open place, and that resonates with me more than the other two types I’d been exploring. Subtypes for Myers-Briggs types aren’t set in stone…they’re like flavors or modes, so I do analytic math things and make those choices when I need to and I do analytic creative output when I need to also. But I feel that I most often land on being diffused, relaxed, and receptive most of the time.

So, the journey continues but ultimately I’ve been feeling like something isn’t right with my career. When I take on more hours doing design work alarm bells go off. A big change is coming and I suppose a lot of faith is required to let it happen.